Poop Emergency

Warning: This is a story about poop, but it’s a story about baby breastmilk poop, which isn’t really poop. I mean, it IS. It’s poop. But if you’ve ever been around it, you know it’s not that bad. It’s mostly liquid gold. Literally. I think most moms can agree that baby breastmilk poop is hilarious. It’s gross, but it’s eons less gross than the solid food poop most of us encounter on a daily basis. ANYWAY. Onward.

A few days ago I was sitting on the couch with the baby in my lap when all of a sudden I felt something warm spill into my lap.

I’m sure you know what it was.

That’s right, it was a huge puddle of yellow breastmilk poop. It had somehow exploded out of the back of Violet’s diaper and onto my lap. In some sort of baby voodoo magic, there was not a drop of poop on her outfit. There was, however, a river of liquid yellow baby poop flowing in my lap. If I were to stand up or move in anyway, the baby poop would spill onto the couch.

“Help!” I yelled. “Help! Lily! HELP! Get me some wipes! HURRY! Help! It’s a baby poop emergency!”

Yes, I called for my 5 year old to help. She was the oldest possible helper in the house at that moment. She was the only hope that poop wouldn’t get on the couch (if it hadn’t gotten on the couch already. I couldn’t tell for sure where things stood.). She is perfectly capable of grabbing the wipes for me and helping.

“What?”

“Help! Come here! I need wipes! Hurry!”

“I’m busy playing Legos right now. Maybe later,” she said.

Yes. That’s what my 5 year old said to me during a baby poop emergency.

“No! I need wipes now! It’s a poop emergency! Hurry! There’s poop all over my lap! HELP!”

Lily: “Rose, could you go help Mommy? I’m busy.”

OH NO SHE DIDN’T.

After some, um, strong words from me, Lily ran over and got me some wipes. In return, she got a lecture about how when Mommy yells “Help!” and sounds upset, you need to run and help as fast as you can even if you are playing Legos. Especially if the words “poop emergency” are involved.

Amazingly, none of the poop got on the couch. It was a close one, guys.

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2 Responses to Poop Emergency

  1. This one had me in tears! Once when my second son was still breastfeeding we were at a mall and I realized he needed to be changed before I put him in his car seat. So, I had the side door of the minivan open and I was standing outside of the van, and using the floorboard of the van as a changing table. I was holding his little legs up to clean his bottom, and as I reached for the wipes, he projectile pooped onto the car next to us! Gold breastfeeding poop running down the side of their door. And I was only carrying a “travel pack” of wipes, which wasn’t nearly enough to clean up the other car. Very hasty exit from the parking lot.

    • LOL that’s hilarious! I can’t even imagine dealing with that other car. I’ve given on travel wipe packs. I always regret it if I’m not carrying a super heavy filled wipes pack.

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